i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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