Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
