I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
