Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
People in love make me want to vomit
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
