Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
