He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
