are you still at the devil's house?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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