maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
