My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
