I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
A+ Viking dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
