I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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