The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
