my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
