My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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