I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
