i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
