I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
