the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
