Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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