Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
