Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
