I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
