I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
