They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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