Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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