I wish I could teleport
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
