My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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