I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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