If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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