I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
