I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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