I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
