You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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