I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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