In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
