I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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