I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
