Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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