dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
