Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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