The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
