i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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