Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
