she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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