i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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