Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
