You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
