I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
where are you?
Hypothermia
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
