I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
