At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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