Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You did what with his pubic hair?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
